Moralistic Testy Thingy

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.


Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.




YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS....................




The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'




Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.




Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'





HOWEVER......, My correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.




God, I just love happy endings!




Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box... Like a Half-Demoness.'

(Afterthoughts)
MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

For you information...

Do y'all know the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu???

For the bird flu you get tweetment, and for the swine flu you you get oinkment!!!

(Afterthoughts)
Kudos to Mr. Jeffery for emailing me that little detail. Y'all have now been educated.

Ok, ok, just one more...

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

Well-hung.

(Afterthoughts)
Tasteless yet satisfying.

Practical joke of the week

As y'all damn well know (due mainly to my incessant bitching, of course) is that I am as tall as a 5'15" tree. That doesn't really factor into this story but I hate to miss an opportunity to rant.

My roommate and I stopped at a gas station to fill up the car and snag a couple packs of cigarettes. There were 2 cashiers working the counter and we each went to one of them. I was actually dressed rather nicely (too damn nice to be pumping gas) and the woman behind the counter commented that she loved my outfit and I looked really cute in it. To which my smartass reply was that my boyfriend who is at the other register makes me dress like this so that people will think he is straight. A few moments of dumbfounded silence before she stammered out that she never would have had any idea. At that point I start giggling and inform her that I was just joking much to her relief as she stated that she was glad because she had no idea what to say.

Then I get back out to the car to tell my roommate what I told the girl inside (minus the last part) just to see his eyes go wide as he stammers out a what the hell are you doing telling people I am gay, you are about to become the first girl I ever hit. All the while I am laughing so hard that I can barely breathe. I finally managed to tell the rest of the story with him shaking his head bitching about how I am one of the craziest girls he knows.

(Afterthoughts)
It is often people's reactions that make the joke better than the joke itself.

5 year old's first job

I would once again like to think Mr. Jeff for providing me with yet another post via email story.

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock..."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

(Afterthoughts)
Sort of reminds me of myself at that age although I had a doll for an administrative assistant.

The Bathtub Test

*humor sequence activated*

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

*lame joketime shutdown mode*

(Afterthoughts)
As I was halfway through reading this joke I thought "screw that, I'd just use the drain." But I would also have worn the bucket on my head, filled up the teacup with water and used the spoon to take sips to quench my thirst from the hard work of draining the tub.

Sigh, soooo lame

You hear about the house built by lesbians ?

Not a stud in it, all tongue-in-groove !

(Afterthoughts)
That is your tasteless joke of the day.

I want y'all fattened up in case I get snowed in with you this winter, ya know, just in case I get hungry

Free Myspace Graphics

Evil description

What evil lurks in the hearts of men? Not me, that's for sure. I lurk outside of their hearts, peering in at them thru the glass jars on the shelf I keep their hearts inside of. MUHAHAHA!

(Afterthoughts)
Hee hee, I'm finally in a slightly better mood as y'all can tell. ;)

EEK!

--- embarrassing story team go ---

I am totally exhausted, stuck staying up to get enough notes written for me to be able to write my reports that are due tomorrow while I am at work. Got to get up early, about 7am or so (1:30am right now as I write this) and drive over an hour for an appointment, blech. It is also trash day and they pick it up before I ever climb out of bed so as I was picking up trash around my house I checked my mousetrap since I haven't seen any running around for a few days and when I opened it gingerly and glanced inside didn't see one, but thought I saw a string which meant that the tail had come off the last mouse I caught. So I opened it back up and sure enough there was a mousetail in there and it was still attached to the mouse which I wasn't expecting. So I screamed and dropped the trap. Luckily the mouse didn't fall out onto my floor so I carefully dumped it into a trash bag and proceeded to gather the rest of my debris. I grabbed and empty beer box and forgetting that I had tossed a ball of lint into it instead of walking the extra 3 feet to the bin last week once again screamed and dropped the box mistaking the lint for another mouse.

--- end of embarrassing story ---

(Afterthoughts)
Yes, I know, the girl who has no worries wandering off into demon infested woods at night and alone is scared of dead mice. Strangely enough the live ones don't spook me as long as I don't have to touch them, and I see them run around my floors way too often.

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14.... My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE ..
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!'

(Afterthoughts)
I have heard every single one of those and I think everyone else has too, lol.

Children's science exam

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section'
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome

And my personal favorite:
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this)!
A: Keep it in the cow.

(Afterthoughts)
Keep it in the cow!!!!! Bwahahahaha!!!!!! Although using flirtation to get dead sheep and canoeists out of water is pretty damn good too.

Tricky test

Instructions: Read the following, then click on the link below. There are two identical pictures that will appear on the screen.Almost 8,000 people were tested to see if they could identify the 3 differences in the two pictures, and only 19 were able to find all three. See how observant you are. If you can find all 3, you're one of the very few who are able to do this.
I could only Find 1 Difference See if you are better than me....

Link to the test

(Afterthoughts)
I did not enjoy this at all!!!! I am going to call my mom who sent it to me and totally bitch her out. You'll understand after you take the test yourself.

About time for another rant

I haven't had a good rant post in quite a while and we happened to run across this topic briefly on break at work last night. It had something to do with talking about how some sports dude was doing really good and spouted out that he was hotter than a bagel fresh from the toaster over. (I have no idea who the hell he was, I just babble nonsense stuff like that to keep the conversations going lol.) But then I was like, ya know, I actually hate freaking bagels, those things suck. And the 4 guys I was chatting with all chimed in that none of them really cared for them either. So of course, I had to say something more.

"You know why bagels suck? It's because they make them by mixing bubble gum with ground up cardboard and then baking it into a donut shape! Read the ingredients, it's right on the side of the bag."

That had all them all shaking their heads and laughing. The general consenus was that I should be writing a book about all my strange theories and ideas because I come up with bizarre new ones on a daily basis.

(Afterthoughts)
Ok, not much of a rant, but who cares. The important thing is that I really don't like bagels and my description of them is totally accurate on how I think the experience of trying to eat one really is. Yuk!

They show THAT to kids?

I found this in a childrens book and noticed something that has been apparently overlooked by all you mere mortals. Offically I find this highly amusing (unofficially, I am rather horrified.) If you look closely at the mouse, just what rude hand gesture is that little bastard doing to the rabbit? Most likely not what the artist intended but sometimes things don't work out like we planned.




(Afterthoughts)
This is one of the quicker blogs I have lined up from the weekend, there is still a much, much longer one coming soon to a computer screen near you.

Joke time

Q: What did the pear say to the cauliflower?

A: You smell like cabbage!

(Afterthoughts)
I got this joke in the mail from my 7 year old nephew. It is just adorable. I'll be telling it to everyone I talk to this week. I couldn't stop laughing when I read it.

SHOES

This is for all my shoe obcessed friends.

Um, ok then

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Grrrr, today's wisdom

"Despite the high cost of living, it still continues to be very popular."

"Too many people with solutions IS THE PROBLEM."

log-ic (loj'ik), n. 1. the art of being wrong with confidence.

"The gene pool could use some chlorine."

"Black holes suck"

"Obey gravity, it's the law"

"The early bird catches the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese."

(Afterthoughts)
Um, I managed to start bitchy but always seem to lose steam and turn more silly and decided to stop while I was ahead, 'sigh.'

Medicated induced silliness

I spent most of the day yesterday cleaning my house, actually most of it was laundry and organizing stuff, haven't quite made it ti the cleaning stage yet lol. But with my back hurting and knowing I needed to get up early the next 2 days. I decided that taking one of my sleep pills would probably be a good idea at around midnight. They don't knock me out but when I do lay down I fall asleep rather quickly. However I had a couple quick things I wanted to do before I went to bed so I stayed up for a little while. Now staying awake on this med tends to make me a little bit goofy (ok, ok, goofier lol.) So in the process of putting away some makeup I had sitting out I decided to create a little monument on the top of my shelves in my bathroom. It really did seem like a fun idea at the time lol. And when I woke up this morning and saw that, I cracked up laughing and had to take a picture of it before I put it all away.



(Afterthoughts)
I doubt I ever know why I do stuff like that, I think mostly so I can make myself laugh when I think about it later on. Either that or my brain fever is just still running strong lol. (I wish I could blame the meds, but unfortunately there is too much previous evidence proving otherwise lol.)