Bring on thee pain royale

I have been sick a lot lately. My mom thinks that it goes back to February this year when I caught pneumonia, while I was moving from my house to an apartment, doing the majority of packing and loading my car and carrying everything by myself, in the cold nighttime, after work in the wee hours of the morning (1-4 am). Plus I had the stress of working at a new job which I figured that I would not last long at if I even managed to make it all the way through the 8 weeks of training. I could barely talk, coughed constantly, ran a cold shivering fever constantly, suffered through hot flashes, and could barely stay awake in my exhaustion. I seriously should have been in the hospital, but that would have meant that I would not get to keep the job I doubted I would keep anyway. So I plugged away night after night, staggering with box load after box load as I sweated in the freezing cold all while wondering if the new neighbors would find my nearly lifeless body the next morning lying on my doorway when I blacked out. Luckily that did not happen, my immune system fought tooth and nail to keep me alive without medicine, and I even stayed at that job regardless of how little affection I honestly feel towards it.

I was feeling better after my latest bout until last night. I was already exhausted from trying to work a couple 12 hour days to work off some of the points I have accumulated from being sick and missing work and was slowing regaining some strength back into my voice as the broken glass which I swear was buried somewhere within my throat started to work it's way loose. Then I turned into a broken toy.

We stopped and snagged some food to take home after work, and I ate about twice as much as I should have but I blame that on it being tasty. I mixed a drink and sat down at my computer to play a couple simple videogames to amuse myself as I winded down and prepared to catch a bit of very needed sleep. Too bad, so sad, I got a single hour of intensely bloody nightmare soaked rest while I lay curled up in a ball on my bed in so much pain that I couldn't even cry. But you can bet that I did whimper pitifully quite a bit. Once again I got to enjoy, and actually still am, the suffering of food poisoning.

There was no way for me to get comfortable enough to manage any rest all night long. When the pain became unbearable I would roll off my bed onto the floor and stagger into the bathroom in an attempt to purge my stomach enough that the pain would lower enough to allow me a brief, yet still very painful and brief respite. The bad thing was that my stomach had no desire to listen to logic and purge itself to allow the both of us to feel better. It fought me on that every single time.

My cycle for several hours was:
1) crying on my bed curled up in as tight of a ball as I could manage
2) falling to the floor
3) sticking my finger so far down my throat that I could feel my spine
4) waiting for about a minute as I cried about keeping that same finger poking the very back of my tongue wondering why it wasn't making me sick
5) coughing and gagging up a small amount of orangish slime which tasted even worse than it looked
6) repeating steps 3 and 4 several times
7) staggering back to bed with eyes blurry from tears to start again at step 1

This process occurred about every half hour for about 8 straight hours. It is not often that I cry and has been a few months since I have but last night and today I have cried more than I probably have over the past few years added up together and wrapped up in fancy paper and ribbon. Finally I managed to start gagging up clear liquid and the pain stayed at a constant, and barely bearable level. Of course all the cramps and pain in my stomach, along with the forced vomiting, caused my back to strain several muscles in it as well.

Luckily, this story could not get any worse, as long as you leave out how I was supposed to work today and although I could barely stand up straight still had to run my roommate to work since he was unable to get ahold of anyone to pick him up. Or when he called me after I had gotten back home and collapsed to inform me that my boss told him that I was required to come in today regardless of the shape I was in and had to manage to last a couple of hours because the company we contract for needs more billable hours and is threatening to make overtime mandatory (regardless of the fact that they will lose countless hours when a significant portion of the call center gets fired for not being able to comply with an additional 3 hours per day per person for 2 months straight).

So already weak from the first car ride I had to make another one to the other side of town. I almost fell climbing out of my car and shuffled my way slowly across the parking lot with one arm tightly wrapped around my tummy. About one minute after collapsing into a chair (and almost missing and half hanging off the edge) while I was very shakily setting up my desk to start taking calls, my boss walks over and asks if I am OK. Of course my natural sarcasm kicks in and I smile at her through eyes on the verge of tears and say that, "I am fine, why do you ask?" Of course she rolls her eyes and tells me that I look horrible and what is wrong. "No, no, I really am fine, other than the severe food poisoning which kept me curled up in ball without sleep all night while I cried and cursed my virtual nonexistent gag reflex as I shoved a finger down my throat about 30 times or so to little effect." So she sent me home since I was obviously going to be more worthless than normal on the phones (my evaluation, not hers). As I slowly shuffled my way towards the door, I got chased down by a couple of guys who insisted that they walk me to my car to keep me from falling down in the parking lot because I looked about ready to black out.

Fortunately it is a rare occurrence for my physical pain to come close to matching the emotional and psychological kind that I live with daily. At least the mental kind has worn itself into a sort of numbness over the past 30 years.

(Afterthoughts)
The fact that I 'sucked' so bad at "finger down my throat bulimia" has got to be either horrifying or extremely erotic. Sadly, this was not a situation where no gag reflex was any type of advantage.

99 Things (on the wall, la la la)

Thanks to a friend and her infectious boredom of a typeface nature, I am joining in with this list-atastic, um, list. So now you can learn some trivial aspects of my life. Enjoy the info y'all!

If you join in, please leave a comment so that I can read yours.
Things you've already done: bold
Things you want to do: italicize
Things you haven't done and don't want to - leave in plain font

1. Started your own blog. (On #5 currently)
2. Slept under the stars. (Passed out in the yard, oh, and camping also)
3. Played in a band. (Played the trumpet in school, um, do boys count too?)
4. Visited Hawaii.
5. Watched a meteor shower.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.
7. Been to Disneyland/world.
8. Climbed a mountain. (I get dizzy standing on a chair)
9. Held a praying mantis. (I'm a farm girl)
10. Sang a solo. (Shower super rock star)
11. Bungee jumped. (Hell no, see #8)
12. Visited Paris.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch. (Makeup counts, right?)
15. Adopted a child..
16. Had food poisoning. (The way I cook I have lost count)
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty.
18. Grown your own vegetables. (Farm girl, remember)
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France.
20. Slept on an overnight train.
21. Had a pillow fight.
22. Hitch hiked. (Run a car into a ditch during winter & you'll ride with anyone)
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill.
24. Built a snow fort. (Midwest lake effect snow fort, so ha!)
25. Held a lamb. (Yeah, farm girl is getting repetitive)
26. Gone skinny dipping.
27. Run a marathon.
28. Ridden a gondola in Venice.
29. Seen a total eclipse.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.
31. Hit a home run. (I didn't know we had teams until my little sister started playing)
32. Been on a cruise.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors. (The Virginia back hills count?)
35. Seen an Amish community. (They make lovely quilts)
36. Taught yourself a new language. (Planning on Latin)
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied. (Yeah, I'm a greedy little bitch, lol)
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person.
39. Gone rock climbing. (Dizzy just thinking about it)
40. Seen Michelangelo's David in person.
41. Sung Karaoke. (Someday when I have the confidence, or am just really drunk, lol)
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt.
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant. (I am surprisingly nice on occasion)
44. Visited Africa.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.(And I even hate sand)
46. Been transported in an ambulance. (Gotta love failed suicide attempts)
47. Had your portrait painted. (Good ole high school art class)
48. Gone deep sea fishing.
49. Seen the Sistine chapel in person.
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling.
52. Kissed in the rain. (ooh la la)
53. Played in the mud. (Farm girl, & sounding like a broken record, lol)
54. Gone to a drive-in theater. (Have never gotten around to it, maybe with my next b/f?)
55. Been in a movie. (The fun with home video cameras)
56. Visited the Great Wall of China.
57. Started a business.
58. Taken a martial arts class. (Ah, when I was young & learned to beat people up)
59. Visited Russia.
60. Served at a soup kitchen.
61. Sold Girl Scout cookies.
62. Gone whale watching.
63. Been given flowers for no reason. (That would be soooo sweet)
64. Donated blood.
65. Gone sky diving.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp.
67. Bounced a check. (Yeah, when I was a young and irresponsible girl)
68. Flown in a helicopter.
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial.
71. Eaten Caviar. (I can easily pass on that)
72. Pieced a quilt.
73. Stood in Times Square.
74. Toured the Everglades.
75. Been fired from a job. (Just a month ago was the most recent occurrence)
76. Seen the Changing of the Guard in London.
77. Broken a bone. (Keeping my fingers crossed)
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle. (Scary & exhilarating, but mostly scary)
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person.
80. Published a book.
81. Visited the Vatican.
82. Bought a brand new car.
83. Walked in Jerusalem.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper.
85. Read the entire Bible.
86. Visited the White House.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life. (A few people but the most important one died again later that day, my Dad)
90. Sat on a jury. (I am excused from ever doing that due to my schizophrenia)
91. Met someone famous.
92. Joined a book club.
93. Lost a loved one. (Quite a few family members)
94. Had a baby. (Awww, I wish)
95. Seen the Alamo in person.
96. Swum in the Great Salt Lake.
97. Been involved in a law suit. (Settled out of court years ago)
98. Owned a mobile phone.
99. Been stung by a bee. (& wasps, yellowjackets, ants, etc.)

(Afterthoughts)
Interesting, but too much like work, however, since it was still fun I enjoyed it.

What I have decided is I hate this drama

My opinion so far... I hate caring as much as I do.

• I hate feeling like a burden by making the few friends I have be seen out with me and listen to my problems.
• I hate not being able to drown myself in anger anymore.
• I hate suffering in silence even though it is the best thing to do (apparently not too silent, sigh.)
• I hate waking up disappointed more mornings than not when I discover that I am still alive.
• I hate wanting to cry at least a few times a week and rarely able to let myself do it.
• I hate feeling the ironic amusement at my own anguish and misery and realizing that half of my genuine smiles and laughter comes from my demoness side.
• I hate feeling lost and alone.
• I hate every one of my selfish and petty complaints.
• I hate feeling hollow and empty inside.
• I hate feeling hideous, physically and mentally.
• I hate the low and self righteous opinions people have towards other girls like me.
• I hate the doubt and confusion that nags me regardless of knowing what is right.
• I hate the empathy I feel towards everyone and how I tend to lash out to push it away.
• I hate needing to drive those who get close away.
• I hate Starbucks, I really, really do.
• I hate worrying about how much longer my current job will last.
• I hate feeling like I've been rewarded when people don't cancel out on our plans.
• I hate coming home to an empty house everyday.
• I hate feeling unloved and unappreciated.
• I hate feeling depressed.
• I hate being single.
• I hate my lack of confidence and self esteem.
• I hate being so damn worthless.
• I hate seeing other people suffer.
• I hate being unable to sleep without my teddy bear.
• I hate being scared of the future as well as the past.
• I hate my empty existence.
• I hate my reflection in the mirror.
• I hate my insomnia.
• I hate feeling people are better off keeping their distance from me.
• I hate my wasted life.
• I hate being so weak.
• I hate that I can't even finish this list (guess we can scratch off not crying now.)

(Afterthoughts)

In between tears, I looked back over this list and realized I also hate feeling pathetic, self pity, rarely being able to reach out when I need it, and the knowledge that I'll blow all these feelings off in a few days and consider them inconsequential and pointless. Sometimes I hate getting what I deserve (thanks karma, blah.)

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14.... My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE ..
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!'

(Afterthoughts)
I have heard every single one of those and I think everyone else has too, lol.

Children's science exam

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section'
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome

And my personal favorite:
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this)!
A: Keep it in the cow.

(Afterthoughts)
Keep it in the cow!!!!! Bwahahahaha!!!!!! Although using flirtation to get dead sheep and canoeists out of water is pretty damn good too.

Horrible confession time

Just so everyone knows that I do have a human side (which oftentimes is actually worse than my half demoness nature) here are a few confessions which I am not proud of.

1) I have not bothered to shave my legs in about a week (ewww, yuk.)

2) I have only worn makeup once in the past 2 weeks if you don't count the simple basics of mascara and lipstick (I did make myself presentable when I went out to the bar last week was the few hours I did that.)

3) I have been procrastinating doing my schoolwork until I am close to deadline day (but have been doing ok even so.)

4) I still have not quit smoking yet although I was suppose to 6 weeks ago (gonna try Monday, hopefully I have the willpower because although I keep smoking, I haven't been enjoying it for the most part, addiction is funny that way.)

5) Although I have a perfectly good computer one room away, I wrote this on my cell phone while sitting on my front porch smoking (not that bad other than the smoking part again, but it is bad enough to remention.)

(Afterthoughts)
Although those really could honestly be a lot worse (and were only a few bad habits) that doesn't make them any better for that fact.