MCMLXXIV

Three years shy of four decades ago a legend was birthied upon this great grand land of America. Even as a child she stood spittin' distance from a mile tall and wandered this wide land far and, um, wide, with her giant blue ox Babe planted apple trees in every state (except Alaska and Hawaii because they were inconvenient to walk to), stole a chunk of glacier from Canada to make the ice sculpture of four leader's heads for the blueprint rough draft of Mt. Rushmore (which melted before they finished the monument and had to leave off the bitchin' fighting dragons that made up the background), taught sharks how to swim up the Mississippi River in order to fight with alligators for her amusement, traumatized the firefly species so badly that they lost their nerve to stay lit up and could only nervously blink flash their light forever afterwards, and wore boxing gloves made of live piranhas to every gun fight she was challenged to and subsequently won because anyone tough enough to to wear those is not bothered by eating a few bullets to win a fight right before being crowned the beauty pageant winner.

Her name is Elizabeth Amber Sheetz, born on Mother's Day, May 12th, 1974, and turns 37 today. Wish her a Happy Birthday .... if you dare, MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

(Afterthoughts)
Um, what more could I possibly add at this point and still remain humble and modest...