MCMLXXIV

Three years shy of four decades ago a legend was birthied upon this great grand land of America. Even as a child she stood spittin' distance from a mile tall and wandered this wide land far and, um, wide, with her giant blue ox Babe planted apple trees in every state (except Alaska and Hawaii because they were inconvenient to walk to), stole a chunk of glacier from Canada to make the ice sculpture of four leader's heads for the blueprint rough draft of Mt. Rushmore (which melted before they finished the monument and had to leave off the bitchin' fighting dragons that made up the background), taught sharks how to swim up the Mississippi River in order to fight with alligators for her amusement, traumatized the firefly species so badly that they lost their nerve to stay lit up and could only nervously blink flash their light forever afterwards, and wore boxing gloves made of live piranhas to every gun fight she was challenged to and subsequently won because anyone tough enough to to wear those is not bothered by eating a few bullets to win a fight right before being crowned the beauty pageant winner.

Her name is Elizabeth Amber Sheetz, born on Mother's Day, May 12th, 1974, and turns 37 today. Wish her a Happy Birthday .... if you dare, MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

(Afterthoughts)
Um, what more could I possibly add at this point and still remain humble and modest...

Merry Christmas, or else....

(Afterthoughts)
If I had a child that is what I totally would expect...

Veins for sale

Per popular demand for more pictures of lovely me, here y'all go. At my visit with the vampires (selling plasma) they kinda messed up a wee little bit and blew my vein. I still pulled off a good donation without having to be re-pierced but you can see the results from Saturday. It should be fine soon and is only a little bit sore but still looks horrible.

(Afterthoughts)
I think bruise purple would make a nice nail polish color.

Stubbern AND foolish girl

Sometimes my demonic pride gets the best of even me. One of my best friends in the world who is also my roommate (but not for much longer) got into a screaming match over something totally foolish and silly (and I can't even remember exactly what it was over now). But simply put, we are now going our separate ways and only talking through short and to the point text messages. We have both been rather stressed out lately and although that is always a poor excuse that doesn't stop angry words from being said either. The sad thing is that we are more than capable of making amends with each other and he even did try to do that after I locked myself crying in my room. But of course that would have relied on me being willing to listen which I am too damn stubborn and prideful to bother doing. So we are splitting apart into different directions and are both losing a very good and important friend in the process. Life hurts even more when it doesn't really have to hurt at all.

(Afterthoughts)
I should swallow my pride and reach back out to him but my pride tastes horrible and I can surely find something better to go into my mouth. At least I get to withdraw from the world for a while now.

Back in the saddle as still angry as ever

Welcome one and all to yet another alluring post-type ramble from our illustrious half-demoness from the Midwestern hell belt.

For those who actually check the expiration dates on various items, thou may hast noticed that it has been a while since I doth last posted (figured I would jump on the obvious train even though a small child could have figured that out without the large blinking arrowed sign pointing straight at that fact).

Turns out that my internet service account got merged with someone else's account who shared a landline # that was the same as my internet #, and when they canceled their service my got partly canceled as well. Now of course it was done in a way that their systems showed my account was active regardless of there not being any brain draining internet piped into my home. Would have been nice for once had it worked out the opposite way where my account would have showed canceled in their system but I continued to receive interwebs beamed into thine house (even when it takes a broom to get them out of the corners at the ceiling). So it took 3 weeks of fighting with them and getting transfered back and forth between departments and being given every excuse a few times over before I got tired of it and told them to offically cancel it the rest of the way out because it was like pulling teeth to even try to get them to cancel service so that we could simply start a new account with them. Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. The last few posts I did on her were actually via cell phone which is rather a pain in my ass to write through.

Y'all missed out on my angry holiday rants but it does look as though the world has once again survived the incredible amount of damage done to it from you insane humans warping the very fabric of reality to dangerous breaking levels. We all are lucky that it has a bit more flex to it than the few of us who know what is happening to it give it credit for having (oohhh, cryptic). My Christmas involved multiple break-ins, destruction of some of my stuff, and a horribly failed blackmail attempt by a pathetic excuse (even by human standards) of a guy who used to live with us and stole about $1000 of my stuff & disappeared in the night.

I got to work on both the holiday's this past week and am hoping to make the trip to my Mom's house in a few weeks to see my family and exchange loot with them (however meager it will be from all of us being perpetually broke).

(Afterthoughts) ... (stolen from Mousehunt)
Festive Restraining Order:
At this festive time and season, I could finally find a reason, To send a card, and say with glee, Please stop hiding in my tree.

Obligatory Christmas Story

SIMPLE WHITE ENVELOPE

It's just a small white envelope stuck among the branches of our Christmas tree. No name, no identification, no inscription. It has peeked through the branches of our tree for the past 10 years or so. It all began because my husband Mike hated Christmas -- oh, not the true meaning of Christmas, but the commercial aspects of it -- the overspending, the frantic running around at the last minute to get a tie for Uncle Harry and the dusting powder for Grandma -- the gifts given in desperation because you couldn't think of anything else.

Knowing he felt this way, I decided one year to bypass the usual shirts, sweaters, ties, and so forth. I reached for something special just for Mike. The inspiration came in an unusual way.

Our son Kevin, who was 12 that year, was wrestling at the junior level at the school he attended. Shortly before Christmas, there was a non-league match against a team sponsored by an inner-city church. These youngsters, dressed in sneakers so ragged that shoestrings seemed to be the only thing holding them together, presented a sharp contrast to our boys in their spiffy blue and gold uniforms and sparkling new wrestling shoes. As the match began, I was alarmed to see that the other team was wrestling without headgear, a kind of light helmet designed to protect a wrestler's ears. It was a luxury the ragtag team obviously could not afford. Well, we ended up walloping them. We took every weight class. And, as each of their boys got up from the mat, he swaggered around in his tatters with false bravado, a kind of street pride that couldn't acknowledge defeat. Mike, seated beside me, shook his head sadly, 'I wish just one of them could have won,' he said. 'They have a lot of potential, but losing like this could take the heart right out of them.'

Mike loved kids -- all kids -- and he knew them, having coached little league football, baseball, and lacrosse. That's when the idea for his present came.

That afternoon, I went to a local sporting goods store and bought an assortment of wrestling headgear and shoes and sent them anonymously to the inner-city church. On Christmas Eve, I placed the envelope on the tree, the note inside telling Mike what I had done and that this was his gift from me. His smile was the brightest thing about Christmas that year and in succeeding years. For each Christmas, I followed the tradition -- one year sending a group of mentally handicapped youngsters to a hockey game, another year a check to a pair of elderly brothers whose home had burned to the ground the week before Christmas, and on and on. The envelope became the highlight of our Christmas. It was always the last thing opened on Christmas morning, and our children, ignoring their new toys, would stand with wide-eyed anticipation as their dad lifted the envelope from the tree to reveal its contents.

As the children grew, the toys gave way to more practical presents, but the envelope never lost its allure. The story doesn't end there. You see, we lost Mike last year due to cancer. When Christmas rolled around, I was still so wrapped in grief that I barely got the tree up. But Christmas Eve found me placing an envelope on the tree, and in the morning it was joined by three more. Each of our children, unbeknownst to the others, had placed an envelope on the tree for their dad. The tradition has grown and someday will expand even further with our grandchildren standing around the tree with wide-eyed anticipation watching as their fathers take down the envelope. Mike's spirit, like the Christmas spirit, will always be with us. May we all remember Christ, who is the reason for the season, and the true Christmas spirit this year and always. God Bless! -- pass this along to those friends and loved ones who you know are the givers who understand the true meaning of Thanksgiving and Christmas.

(Afterthoughts)
When I read the email that story came in it was pretty much not what I expected to find find scanning thru messages and caught me by surprise (and with some serious tears.) At least now the required touching Xmas story is out of the way, um, go team humbug. ;)

Santa Foamy

I got just greatest thing ever out of the blue right when I needed something special the most. About 2 weeks ago I was talking with #4's boyfriend about trying to find a Santa hat for my Foamy doll that I set out on my toolbox at work every night. Then 2 days ago I get a text to come over to the car when he picks #4 up after work because he had something he thought I might be interested in. Ended up being a good night to do that because even though it was a slick walk across the parking lot, my car was a polygon of ice from the freezing rain we had been receiving all day. Lo and behold, a tiny little Santa hat was waiting for me. He wasn't sure it would fit very well but tried it on #4's doll (I bought him one and you can see him in all kinds of awesome pics from #4's hike this summer in the slideshow on the side.) So I stuck it on the doll I have at my house for the picture (on top of my dvd's, left of a rack of videogames, right of a physics demo showing center of balance [nerd alert] and the little jar holding my old D&D dice [double nerd alert, lol.]).

(Afterthoughts)
It is sooo adorable, and the guys that walk by kinda roll their eyes but the few women get a huge smile and their eyes light up when they walk by it. And on a more evil note (I'm half demoness, remember) it is turning out to be an interesting field test gaydar because a few guys we suspect of being buried in the closet have shown reactions closer to the women's (I know it's not very accurate but damn it, somedays I'm just bored as hell at work and have to amuse myself somehow.)

Holiday update

There was a lot of good times had over the holidays with my little nephews that I will cherish forever. A few bad times too (no more dating the guy I had started seeing, that is over almost before it started). But spending a couple days with my favorite little boys was the highlight of my month and always makes my 3 1/2 drive worth it. No matter how cold hearted I manage to become, they just have a way of melting all the ice the instant I see them.

(Afterthoughts)
It took me about all of 5 miles of driving home before I started crying because I missed my nephews and long after the trip was over to stop choking back the tears and manage to make myself numb enough to only vaguely feel the pain (damn emotions lol.)

Shhhhh

Hmmm, what did I do with the rest of my weekend? I'm gonna be sly and coy and not say anything other than I actually felt happy because of it for once. And I actually managed to sleep without a 'death hug' on my teddy bear and also slept better than I have in a very long time. Details later at some point.

(Afterthoughts)
Of course I'm back to my insomnia and exhaustion tonight, but I could really use more days/nights like Saturday. Don't y'all hate it when I do teaser blogs? I got to keep ya coming back somehow now that the cookies are all gone, bwahaha. But I really do feel good (bad mood will return soon, I promise.)

EEK!

--- embarrassing story team go ---

I am totally exhausted, stuck staying up to get enough notes written for me to be able to write my reports that are due tomorrow while I am at work. Got to get up early, about 7am or so (1:30am right now as I write this) and drive over an hour for an appointment, blech. It is also trash day and they pick it up before I ever climb out of bed so as I was picking up trash around my house I checked my mousetrap since I haven't seen any running around for a few days and when I opened it gingerly and glanced inside didn't see one, but thought I saw a string which meant that the tail had come off the last mouse I caught. So I opened it back up and sure enough there was a mousetail in there and it was still attached to the mouse which I wasn't expecting. So I screamed and dropped the trap. Luckily the mouse didn't fall out onto my floor so I carefully dumped it into a trash bag and proceeded to gather the rest of my debris. I grabbed and empty beer box and forgetting that I had tossed a ball of lint into it instead of walking the extra 3 feet to the bin last week once again screamed and dropped the box mistaking the lint for another mouse.

--- end of embarrassing story ---

(Afterthoughts)
Yes, I know, the girl who has no worries wandering off into demon infested woods at night and alone is scared of dead mice. Strangely enough the live ones don't spook me as long as I don't have to touch them, and I see them run around my floors way too often.

Fun at work

This week I have so far, screwed up my back (again,) nearly broken my fingers with a hammer (about a 5 lb rawhide hammer,) and cut my elbow on the door to my machine when I was climbing out of it checking a dimension on the part with 30-31 inch micrometers (but got to use one of my bitchin' hello kitty band-aids.) And I let #4 spray my cut with neosporin because he whines like a little girl when I spray it on him and let him have his 'revenge.' But much to his demise, it didn't burn me at all, tingled just a tiny bit, muhahaha.

(Afterthoughts)
We are taking bets on what today's injury will end up being, see the bookie on the way out.

My wasted day

Unsurprisingly I woke up early after a night of little sleep. So in order to distract myself I went to the grocery store and made myself a nice lunch for a change (even though I hate cooking for 1 person and can't seem to get the hang making that little food.) With a lot of time to kill I also made rice krispy treats coated in hershey chocolate bars to take to work with me. I figured that would be a good distraction to prevent anyone from possibly noticing the pain in my eyes, and even if by some odd chance they did, those might have a chance of tricking them into thinking I was fine. Because who the hell would make treats for their coworkers if they were in a bad mood (non-poisoned ones I obviously mean lol.)

(Afterthoughts)
Told y'all I would totally blow off and ignore my bad mood in a few days, it's already starting to happen, screw dealing with issues when you can eat chocolate coated and crunchy cereal marshmellow bar thingies instead. Hooray!

What I have decided is I hate this drama

My opinion so far... I hate caring as much as I do.

• I hate feeling like a burden by making the few friends I have be seen out with me and listen to my problems.
• I hate not being able to drown myself in anger anymore.
• I hate suffering in silence even though it is the best thing to do (apparently not too silent, sigh.)
• I hate waking up disappointed more mornings than not when I discover that I am still alive.
• I hate wanting to cry at least a few times a week and rarely able to let myself do it.
• I hate feeling the ironic amusement at my own anguish and misery and realizing that half of my genuine smiles and laughter comes from my demoness side.
• I hate feeling lost and alone.
• I hate every one of my selfish and petty complaints.
• I hate feeling hollow and empty inside.
• I hate feeling hideous, physically and mentally.
• I hate the low and self righteous opinions people have towards other girls like me.
• I hate the doubt and confusion that nags me regardless of knowing what is right.
• I hate the empathy I feel towards everyone and how I tend to lash out to push it away.
• I hate needing to drive those who get close away.
• I hate Starbucks, I really, really do.
• I hate worrying about how much longer my current job will last.
• I hate feeling like I've been rewarded when people don't cancel out on our plans.
• I hate coming home to an empty house everyday.
• I hate feeling unloved and unappreciated.
• I hate feeling depressed.
• I hate being single.
• I hate my lack of confidence and self esteem.
• I hate being so damn worthless.
• I hate seeing other people suffer.
• I hate being unable to sleep without my teddy bear.
• I hate being scared of the future as well as the past.
• I hate my empty existence.
• I hate my reflection in the mirror.
• I hate my insomnia.
• I hate feeling people are better off keeping their distance from me.
• I hate my wasted life.
• I hate being so weak.
• I hate that I can't even finish this list (guess we can scratch off not crying now.)

(Afterthoughts)

In between tears, I looked back over this list and realized I also hate feeling pathetic, self pity, rarely being able to reach out when I need it, and the knowledge that I'll blow all these feelings off in a few days and consider them inconsequential and pointless. Sometimes I hate getting what I deserve (thanks karma, blah.)

Halloween sadness

I am sitting home alone after working all night and missing Halloween altogether. Watching The Nightmare Before Christmas special edition that I have been holding off on watching but couldn't resist putting it in tonight. I love that movie, have seen it 100's of times and it always pulls at my heartstrings every single time. I just identify with the darkness/light combinations in the characters way too much. Five minutes into the movie and I'm crying at the 2nd song already which really is a very sad one and very similar to my own life.



(Afterthoughts)
There are not many things that hurt me this bad thru the reflection back of my own existence. I guess we all have our own little soft spots is all I care to say about it and don't have the desire at all to describe all the links to myself that I see in it.

Freezer burnt

2 solid days of rage burning away my insides as I walked around with a 'smile' plastered to my face and chatted and joked around with everyone. No one realized just how badly my insides were being charred away which is exactly how things are supposed to be, my place is to suffer in silence (and bitch about it here lol.) Although the group of guys I hang out with on breaks did notice that I was kind of wound up more than usual, I always rant about silly nonsense stuff anyway and the intensity is generally enjoyed when I get worked up about something and keep everyone laughing. But anyway, the fires pretty much simmered down to embers about the time I hit last break at work with 2 more hours left before I could go home. By the time I walked into my house I had lost most of the feeling in my soul. So I sat on my couch outside on my front porch reflecting about everything and anything for a while. That turned out to eventually turn out to become an hour and a half in the cold air and only after I was shivering so badly that I was way past the point where I should have been able to stand it did I return inside the house. Other than quite possibly giving myself a cold (I'll know before the weekend is over) I neither resolved nor even made any progress towards resolving anything other than deciding to reflect in a warmer environment from now on (which isn't actually a bad lesson in and of itself although I should have already known that lol.) My brain feels like it has been dipped and coated in wax (why couldn't it at least have been chocolate?) and some type of 6th sense has been cut off leaving me feeling half blind and half deaf to the world and myself. All the colors and sounds are still there but seem washed out and faded. I know logically that I should care and be bothered by this but I can't really muster up very much rebellion against it. It feels calm and serene and drifting thru everything feeling only ghosts of emotions is frighteningly comforting. I seriously wonder if my internal debates should not be how to get out of this state but rather how do I maintain it.

(Afterthoughts)
I'll be sure to wave as I drift on by. And as I read over all I had written I am always amazed at how well I misdirect without even having to try by slipping silly jokes etc. into everything, that is sooo awesome-o!

Horrible confession time

Just so everyone knows that I do have a human side (which oftentimes is actually worse than my half demoness nature) here are a few confessions which I am not proud of.

1) I have not bothered to shave my legs in about a week (ewww, yuk.)

2) I have only worn makeup once in the past 2 weeks if you don't count the simple basics of mascara and lipstick (I did make myself presentable when I went out to the bar last week was the few hours I did that.)

3) I have been procrastinating doing my schoolwork until I am close to deadline day (but have been doing ok even so.)

4) I still have not quit smoking yet although I was suppose to 6 weeks ago (gonna try Monday, hopefully I have the willpower because although I keep smoking, I haven't been enjoying it for the most part, addiction is funny that way.)

5) Although I have a perfectly good computer one room away, I wrote this on my cell phone while sitting on my front porch smoking (not that bad other than the smoking part again, but it is bad enough to remention.)

(Afterthoughts)
Although those really could honestly be a lot worse (and were only a few bad habits) that doesn't make them any better for that fact.

Hello grocery store

I am lazy, I admit it. I need to go grocery shopping terribly bad. I have pretty much totally ran out of food in my house. I am tired of eating coatloaf, I'm a growing girl and need protein that doesn't come from coats. I will probably get to it next weekend though. I guess I had best get used to coatloaf until then.

(Afterthoughts)
I just noticed that I started every sentence with "I" in this post.

When did I have a clock installed in my soul?

Today marks the 3rd night in a row that I've had the end of my dreams ending with a similar theme. Which has also caused me to lie in bed for about an hour each morning quietly crying to myself also. They have not been bad dreams by any means, but waking up from them to find an empty house has about broken my heart every morning. Day 1) I was just lying in bed next to my husband with our little baby sleeping between us snuggled up next to me while I whispered/ sang little nonsensical gibberish. That was a hard one to wake up from. Day 2) Was playing dolls with my little girl on the floor when she jumped up and gave me a huge hug and said "I love Mommy." That was an even harder when I woke up. Day 3) I was just picking stuff up around the house while continuing to keep checking on the baby asleep in the crib. Not as hard as the first 2, but by this point it isn't taking anything major to set me off.

I think my freaking biological clock, which I shouldn't even have, has started ticking. Argh, I'm only 34, that shouldn't be happening yet! That's not supposed to happen until a woman hits her mid-thirties, right? Um, wait a minute, damn, never mind, I guess I am at that age. And to be honest, I've never thought the idea of being pregnant myself as being anything but scary as hell, not that I ever could be. But I realized today that my attitude about that has changed and it seems like the bestest thing that anyone could ever experience. (I want a baby sooooo bad right now.)

I'm gonna say that my hormone biochem is at some weird combo/ level right now. And as if we needed any more proof, ya just have to look at the picture I posted in my last blog. What kind of clear and level headed girl would make a sandwich like that, let alone eat it?(Ok, I know, I asked for it by implying I was the least bit normal in anything lol.)

(Afterthoughts)
Will someone please tell me where the hell the snooze button is on my biological clock!

The price I pay

This is probably gonna be a sad post. I'm going to explain a few (but not all) of the prices I have had to pay, and also continue to pay every single moment of my life, and have since I was about 5 years old. My soul is basically barely held together by scars and spit, my connection to other humans is extremely limited at best, I always feel alone even when surrounded by good friends or family, my ability to feel faith was lost with the awakening of my demoness nature, and worse is my high level of empathy which I spent years training to tune it out. 2 years of that along with my schizophrenia drove me to suicide at age 7. It didn't work but did provide me with the drive to continue on without much fear of death. Zen alchemy was my successful solution (and will get a blog all its own someday along with the sacrifices my salvation also came with.) It has not been a secret that I'm half-demoness, and that I have sacrificed way more than anyone should ever have to. But few people actually understand the implications of that and make assumptions mainly based on religious propaganda. I know and understand that but rarely bother to correct or explain. So this is a rare opportunity to learn for y'all I suppose.

Residing within all humans is an rarely fully tapped dual nature. The effects from both are felt throughout ones entire life. Those weak of mind fall prey to the whims of both and often go insane either as religious fanatics or serial killers (or a lesser version of that such as a tax collector or various government positions from postman to senator.) Those stronger of mind learn to draw mostly on their preferred aspect and become ministers, small business owners who help the community, and even everyday seeming folk who live within the masses brightening their lives is small yet substantial ways. The other side tends to be the psycho managers, the rule breaking employee who manages to get away with everything he does, school board committee members, and the people writing newer and complex laws that confuse everyone and don't really solve anything, but manage to turn groups of people who had been doing nothing wrong into criminals. Those who are highest in touch with the forces within themselves can become either half-angel or half-demon. Since my schizo was rare and allowed me to see things that are really there when I can focus it, I learned all of that at age 5 and how it all works also. Honestly that is way too much for a child to handle. Very few people can ever piece together how it works and the laws they are governed by. So I studied this and learned and observed how they played out in other humans. Before I had divined those natures, I was unknowingly on the road to becoming a half-angel if my strength would hold out. However due to what I had seen in my future I knew I could not follow that path to obtain the forbidden knowledge I would need to have a surviving chance, I awoke my demoness side instead of just drawing on it. There is one big different between demons and angels, demons see humans baseline as insanity, angels see them as faith to make things better for themselves. You may say that I'm not an evil demoness and I'm not. I just see things thru the shadows and lack the faith that things will improve on their own. That takes hard work and effort to change things, not faith.

But all the things I have sacrificed, I still feel an empathic loss of them all every momment of every day. Feeling the connections to all the good things in life but lacking the simple ability to grasp them. That is the true price I payed for my sanity. Had I not done that, I would have not become the strong girl I am today who is able to enjoy life while helping guide others out of the shadows where I dwell.

(Afterthoughts)
Um, wow?

Mood picker upper

My college adviser called me today to let me know that everyone is thrilled about how great of a job I did getting all my initial paperwork completed and taken care of right off the bat. He has people that drag it out as long as they can and are a few courses into school without having it all finished yet. That really made me feel good and I kind of needed something to boost my mood. It was really nice to feel appreciated for the effort I made to get everything lined up and ready. I rarely say this but it is nice when someone puts a smile on my face (that's just between us though, I don't want that secret getting out, I do have a reputation to keep.)

(Afterthoughts)
Damn, that really did make me happy, I blame the freakin' hormones, 'sigh.'