The price I pay

This is probably gonna be a sad post. I'm going to explain a few (but not all) of the prices I have had to pay, and also continue to pay every single moment of my life, and have since I was about 5 years old. My soul is basically barely held together by scars and spit, my connection to other humans is extremely limited at best, I always feel alone even when surrounded by good friends or family, my ability to feel faith was lost with the awakening of my demoness nature, and worse is my high level of empathy which I spent years training to tune it out. 2 years of that along with my schizophrenia drove me to suicide at age 7. It didn't work but did provide me with the drive to continue on without much fear of death. Zen alchemy was my successful solution (and will get a blog all its own someday along with the sacrifices my salvation also came with.) It has not been a secret that I'm half-demoness, and that I have sacrificed way more than anyone should ever have to. But few people actually understand the implications of that and make assumptions mainly based on religious propaganda. I know and understand that but rarely bother to correct or explain. So this is a rare opportunity to learn for y'all I suppose.

Residing within all humans is an rarely fully tapped dual nature. The effects from both are felt throughout ones entire life. Those weak of mind fall prey to the whims of both and often go insane either as religious fanatics or serial killers (or a lesser version of that such as a tax collector or various government positions from postman to senator.) Those stronger of mind learn to draw mostly on their preferred aspect and become ministers, small business owners who help the community, and even everyday seeming folk who live within the masses brightening their lives is small yet substantial ways. The other side tends to be the psycho managers, the rule breaking employee who manages to get away with everything he does, school board committee members, and the people writing newer and complex laws that confuse everyone and don't really solve anything, but manage to turn groups of people who had been doing nothing wrong into criminals. Those who are highest in touch with the forces within themselves can become either half-angel or half-demon. Since my schizo was rare and allowed me to see things that are really there when I can focus it, I learned all of that at age 5 and how it all works also. Honestly that is way too much for a child to handle. Very few people can ever piece together how it works and the laws they are governed by. So I studied this and learned and observed how they played out in other humans. Before I had divined those natures, I was unknowingly on the road to becoming a half-angel if my strength would hold out. However due to what I had seen in my future I knew I could not follow that path to obtain the forbidden knowledge I would need to have a surviving chance, I awoke my demoness side instead of just drawing on it. There is one big different between demons and angels, demons see humans baseline as insanity, angels see them as faith to make things better for themselves. You may say that I'm not an evil demoness and I'm not. I just see things thru the shadows and lack the faith that things will improve on their own. That takes hard work and effort to change things, not faith.

But all the things I have sacrificed, I still feel an empathic loss of them all every momment of every day. Feeling the connections to all the good things in life but lacking the simple ability to grasp them. That is the true price I payed for my sanity. Had I not done that, I would have not become the strong girl I am today who is able to enjoy life while helping guide others out of the shadows where I dwell.

(Afterthoughts)
Um, wow?