The early bird catches the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

You Get What You Pay For

Thanks to the modern marvel of spam, er, email, I am often approached with all types of interesting products that I had sadly been unaware were missing from my dreadfully hollow life and can now move a step closer to becoming a complete and whole person. This cut-n-pasteful I discovered today was hiding nervously in the corner hoping to be overlooked as it fidgeted shiftily from foot to foot.

The section I highlighted should speak for itself, but just in case your brain is mentally rewriting it so that it makes sense while you read (which is an extremely common phenomenon that you will likely do several times today without realizing it) it starts the sentence with an extra letter in the first word (why: obviously for this cheap pun, or so I hope) then proceeds to imply that it will do nothing to clean your clothes.   

You just really cannot make this stuff up, um, because I would hope that I am capable of creating something much better than this, and if not, then I might just have an untapped successful career in advertising.

All your base are belong to us...

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Brain Slug

For those who do not have me on Facebook (don't worry, you are not alone, I axed 160+ people a few weeks ago) this is my current profile picture. I managed to get this snapshot of my brainslug before it exploded after making the mistake of attaching itself to my mind. I'm going to be picking slimy tentacle out of my hair for a week, and while that may be erotic in an anime/porn type way (nobody beats the Japanese for casually presented weirdness) it is quite less pleasant in real life.

A less pleasant reality does not necessarily make the fantasy itself pleasant by default, but anyways, I guess someone must like that sort of stuff otherwise it wouldn't be so damn popular, right?!?

Thursday, May 12, 2011


Three years shy of four decades ago a legend was birthied upon this great grand land of America. Even as a child she stood spittin' distance from a mile tall and wandered this wide land far and, um, wide, with her giant blue ox Babe planted apple trees in every state (except Alaska and Hawaii because they were inconvenient to walk to), stole a chunk of glacier from Canada to make the ice sculpture of four leader's heads for the blueprint rough draft of Mt. Rushmore (which melted before they finished the monument and had to leave off the bitchin' fighting dragons that made up the background), taught sharks how to swim up the Mississippi River in order to fight with alligators for her amusement, traumatized the firefly species so badly that they lost their nerve to stay lit up and could only nervously blink flash their light forever afterwards, and wore boxing gloves made of live piranhas to every gun fight she was challenged to and subsequently won because anyone tough enough to to wear those is not bothered by eating a few bullets to win a fight right before being crowned the beauty pageant winner.

Her name is Elizabeth Amber Sheetz, born on Mother's Day, May 12th, 1974, and turns 37 today. Wish her a Happy Birthday .... if you dare, MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Um, what more could I possibly add at this point and still remain humble and modest...

Monday, May 9, 2011

Card Games

The cardsharp pony always had an ace up her sleeve while winning chips against the poker playing dogs and never broke a sweat staying cool as a cucumber being Secret dry which works great on women whom it was made for and with which it's effectiveness is obvious since it also worked so well on a horse.

I had that thought running through my mind when I woke up in the middle of the night and it was interesting enough for me to scribble down on the notepad I leave beside my bed. Still is random nonsense however.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Bootleg Bootylicious

If you can't afford the delicious goodness of a PS3 then here is your cheaper alternative. It looks just like a Dr. Evil tiny clone version and I want one just because it is cute even if it is virtually unplayable.

By cheaper I meant that you should just grab the cash out of your purse and set it on fire because the flames will give you more entertainment and enjoyment than playing that game will, er, or so I have heard...

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Now the title does not mean that I won the lottery (unfortunately) because like the ads say, "y'all gotta play ta win." What it does refer to however, is a game the middle child nephew (2 of 3) invented. It is a ball catching game that takes at least 3 people to play (rules to follow shortly).

The player configuration for everyone to be located is with the ball thrower to be at the apex of a triangle shape with the potential catchers at the base. Before tossing the ball, he must yell out a couple of variables. First is either 'high' or 'ground,' meaning that it will be in the air or rolled along the ground (simple). Next is 'mystery box,' 'points,' or 'jackpot.' The points are essentially arbitrary, but the mystery box (which is the most often chosen) has 2 results which are not revealed unless the ball is caught which are 'mummy' and 'glue shoes.' Mummy means that for the next round you have to hold your arms straight out in front you, palms up, with your arms stuck together and have to try to catch the ball like that (which is rather hard from personal experience). Glue shoes means that your feet are stuck to the floor for the next round and you can not move from the spot where you caught the ball. Now if you catch the 'jackpot,' that means that you are now the jackpot which is what the ball thrower is called and now you toss the ball and decide what the ball value and prize is going to be.

All in all, not too bad of a game for an 8 year old to invent.

Stop sitting around, go grab a ball and 2 people and start playing!!!