What I have decided is I hate this drama

My opinion so far... I hate caring as much as I do.

• I hate feeling like a burden by making the few friends I have be seen out with me and listen to my problems.
• I hate not being able to drown myself in anger anymore.
• I hate suffering in silence even though it is the best thing to do (apparently not too silent, sigh.)
• I hate waking up disappointed more mornings than not when I discover that I am still alive.
• I hate wanting to cry at least a few times a week and rarely able to let myself do it.
• I hate feeling the ironic amusement at my own anguish and misery and realizing that half of my genuine smiles and laughter comes from my demoness side.
• I hate feeling lost and alone.
• I hate every one of my selfish and petty complaints.
• I hate feeling hollow and empty inside.
• I hate feeling hideous, physically and mentally.
• I hate the low and self righteous opinions people have towards other girls like me.
• I hate the doubt and confusion that nags me regardless of knowing what is right.
• I hate the empathy I feel towards everyone and how I tend to lash out to push it away.
• I hate needing to drive those who get close away.
• I hate Starbucks, I really, really do.
• I hate worrying about how much longer my current job will last.
• I hate feeling like I've been rewarded when people don't cancel out on our plans.
• I hate coming home to an empty house everyday.
• I hate feeling unloved and unappreciated.
• I hate feeling depressed.
• I hate being single.
• I hate my lack of confidence and self esteem.
• I hate being so damn worthless.
• I hate seeing other people suffer.
• I hate being unable to sleep without my teddy bear.
• I hate being scared of the future as well as the past.
• I hate my empty existence.
• I hate my reflection in the mirror.
• I hate my insomnia.
• I hate feeling people are better off keeping their distance from me.
• I hate my wasted life.
• I hate being so weak.
• I hate that I can't even finish this list (guess we can scratch off not crying now.)

(Afterthoughts)

In between tears, I looked back over this list and realized I also hate feeling pathetic, self pity, rarely being able to reach out when I need it, and the knowledge that I'll blow all these feelings off in a few days and consider them inconsequential and pointless. Sometimes I hate getting what I deserve (thanks karma, blah.)