What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well-hung.
(Afterthoughts)
Tasteless yet satisfying.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Practical joke of the week
As y'all damn well know (due mainly to my incessant bitching, of course) is that I am as tall as a 5'15" tree. That doesn't really factor into this story but I hate to miss an opportunity to rant.
My roommate and I stopped at a gas station to fill up the car and snag a couple packs of cigarettes. There were 2 cashiers working the counter and we each went to one of them. I was actually dressed rather nicely (too damn nice to be pumping gas) and the woman behind the counter commented that she loved my outfit and I looked really cute in it. To which my smartass reply was that my boyfriend who is at the other register makes me dress like this so that people will think he is straight. A few moments of dumbfounded silence before she stammered out that she never would have had any idea. At that point I start giggling and inform her that I was just joking much to her relief as she stated that she was glad because she had no idea what to say.
Then I get back out to the car to tell my roommate what I told the girl inside (minus the last part) just to see his eyes go wide as he stammers out a what the hell are you doing telling people I am gay, you are about to become the first girl I ever hit. All the while I am laughing so hard that I can barely breathe. I finally managed to tell the rest of the story with him shaking his head bitching about how I am one of the craziest girls he knows.
(Afterthoughts)
It is often people's reactions that make the joke better than the joke itself.
My roommate and I stopped at a gas station to fill up the car and snag a couple packs of cigarettes. There were 2 cashiers working the counter and we each went to one of them. I was actually dressed rather nicely (too damn nice to be pumping gas) and the woman behind the counter commented that she loved my outfit and I looked really cute in it. To which my smartass reply was that my boyfriend who is at the other register makes me dress like this so that people will think he is straight. A few moments of dumbfounded silence before she stammered out that she never would have had any idea. At that point I start giggling and inform her that I was just joking much to her relief as she stated that she was glad because she had no idea what to say.
Then I get back out to the car to tell my roommate what I told the girl inside (minus the last part) just to see his eyes go wide as he stammers out a what the hell are you doing telling people I am gay, you are about to become the first girl I ever hit. All the while I am laughing so hard that I can barely breathe. I finally managed to tell the rest of the story with him shaking his head bitching about how I am one of the craziest girls he knows.
(Afterthoughts)
It is often people's reactions that make the joke better than the joke itself.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Redneck Reindeer Games
Sad as it is to admit, some things are just plain fun even when you would prefer that nobody catches you at them. Examples are riding a scooter, shooting cans with a bb gun, pretending to ice skate on the hardwood floors in your socks, masturbating (master baiters catch more fish) , singing in the shower, samurai flower arrangement practice, burying bodies out in the deep woods, baking cookies (more for yourself), etc . . .
Now this game over yonder also falls into that category.
(Afterthoughts)
The simulation games know no bounds
Now this game over yonder also falls into that category.
(Afterthoughts)
The simulation games know no bounds
Just go with it
Since apparently getting y'all to keep your eyes on mine (and I am referring to the ones in my head) I am just gonna flow with it. Go on and follow this link for you to stay a happy, mindless guy (or lesbian if your boat floats smoothly down that crowded river as well). I lost interest within a few seconds but it is to be expected from a sweet, innocent, straight girl like me (since I likey the boys it isn't difficult to guess which one of the 3 options is the only correct one).
Clicky click clacky clack click click cleek here and check your morals at the door. The instructions are included in the package and may or may not self destruct in 10 seconds.
(Afterthoughts)
Best had wipe up that drool from the keyboard before it drains onto a live circuit.
Clicky click clacky clack click click cleek here and check your morals at the door. The instructions are included in the package and may or may not self destruct in 10 seconds.
(Afterthoughts)
Best had wipe up that drool from the keyboard before it drains onto a live circuit.
HEY!!! Eye's up here!!!
Yeah, yeah, do your double take and move on. There is nothing to see here, keep on moving down the road. Just a poor abused girl who got tied up and forced to dress nicely instead of the "girly tomboy" she general chooses.
(Afterthoughts)
The "girly tomboy" phrase is one my younger sister coined to describe me when we argued over which one of us has always been the tomboy. Although I worked on dirty machinery, she still had the skills for all the sports she tried and was less bothered by icky stuff like bugs than I was so I unofficially concede the point to her (but I refuse to publicly admit to that shortcoming of being "girly").
(Afterthoughts)
The "girly tomboy" phrase is one my younger sister coined to describe me when we argued over which one of us has always been the tomboy. Although I worked on dirty machinery, she still had the skills for all the sports she tried and was less bothered by icky stuff like bugs than I was so I unofficially concede the point to her (but I refuse to publicly admit to that shortcoming of being "girly").
Monday, September 21, 2009
Self Service
I must be getting old. I remember when you used to be able to go to a store and they would have a cashier (hell, I used to be one in high school at a drug store and split the week doing that with another girl in my school) who would look at the item to be purchased, punch the price of said item which was gained from the price tag sticker that was stuck on the item into the cash register, and add up your bag of goodies that caught yonder fancy that particular day. Then, because those registers were kinda sucky, you had to do some quick mental math to make change, which you learned to do rather quickly (using a few simple tricks). But nowadays, when you go to buy something they just have a "good faith" monitor watching a group of self service checkout lanes. So not only do I have to do the stores job, but I have to pay them for making me do all the work as well.
WTF!?! If I am saving a store money by doing their glamorous job of part-time cashier then why the hell do I not get some kind of extra discount incentive to do so. Seriously, why would anyone bother ringing up their own purchases (unless they are, um, cough cough, scamming the place) when they can take it easy and just stand and watch someone do that for them instead (which also helps keep their job secure) for the exact same cost. I swear that if I ran a shop of some kind I would just have to promote that nice little detailed fact:
"Come on down to Liz's second hand soul pawn shop where for our valued customer's convenience we have people to assist you with processing your purchases at no additional cost. That is right people, you heard me correctly, the cashier's at our wonderful and humble lil shop are a free service we provide to you for your personal convenience. So be sure to take advantage of that when y'all shimmy on over and give us a visit."
Now the reason I got angry today is due to when I was unable to pay my electric bill online due to it being a closed account since it is the final bill from the apartment. No way in hell to register it and get it setup to make online payments. Trust me, I wasted a good hour trying to find some computer logic loophole which would allow me to process that transaction via the majical computer box. So since I hate writing checks, I resigned myself to making a payment over the phone. Mindlessly punching buttons in the IVR system to get to a payment option, it finally rises out of the dark ocean of choices for me to spear with a desperate button mash. Instead of getting a live person, I get a damn computer that has me punch in my account number, card number, social security number, address, mother's maiden name, city I was born in, date I lost my first tooth, blood type, and a defining DNA marker in hexadecimal code, only to then be informed that she was "sorry Dave" (damn, drifted there for a minute), um, oh yeah, that there will be a $3.50 convenience fee added to my payment. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa and whoa! I do not pay companies for the convenience of not having to deal with me, especially when I am doing their job for them!!! So I pressed 7-3-3-4-3-f-5-c-*-cue ball-3-8 -000-q or whatever the hell crazy option it was to cancel my payment. Then I hung up and called straight back into the IVR system and navigated my way through the deep and dark forest jungle of options and stalked my way to a live person in the billing department because if I am going to pay an extra $3.50 then someone is damn well going to process that payment for me and chat with me a little bit about whatever the hell I can trick them into talking about so that I feel like I at least got something for my money, even if it was overpriced, unsatisfying, and not something that I would recommend for a leisure activity.
(Afterthoughts)
Granted that my company charges $5 for making a payment over the phone with a live person but that is because it is to encourage people to process it themselves which avoids that fee. Getting charged for using a self-service option defeats the entire purpose of self-service and I am seeing more and more companies that seem to be forgetting that valuable bit of procedure.
WTF!?! If I am saving a store money by doing their glamorous job of part-time cashier then why the hell do I not get some kind of extra discount incentive to do so. Seriously, why would anyone bother ringing up their own purchases (unless they are, um, cough cough, scamming the place) when they can take it easy and just stand and watch someone do that for them instead (which also helps keep their job secure) for the exact same cost. I swear that if I ran a shop of some kind I would just have to promote that nice little detailed fact:
"Come on down to Liz's second hand soul pawn shop where for our valued customer's convenience we have people to assist you with processing your purchases at no additional cost. That is right people, you heard me correctly, the cashier's at our wonderful and humble lil shop are a free service we provide to you for your personal convenience. So be sure to take advantage of that when y'all shimmy on over and give us a visit."
Now the reason I got angry today is due to when I was unable to pay my electric bill online due to it being a closed account since it is the final bill from the apartment. No way in hell to register it and get it setup to make online payments. Trust me, I wasted a good hour trying to find some computer logic loophole which would allow me to process that transaction via the majical computer box. So since I hate writing checks, I resigned myself to making a payment over the phone. Mindlessly punching buttons in the IVR system to get to a payment option, it finally rises out of the dark ocean of choices for me to spear with a desperate button mash. Instead of getting a live person, I get a damn computer that has me punch in my account number, card number, social security number, address, mother's maiden name, city I was born in, date I lost my first tooth, blood type, and a defining DNA marker in hexadecimal code, only to then be informed that she was "sorry Dave" (damn, drifted there for a minute), um, oh yeah, that there will be a $3.50 convenience fee added to my payment. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa and whoa! I do not pay companies for the convenience of not having to deal with me, especially when I am doing their job for them!!! So I pressed 7-3-3-4-3-f-5-c-*-cue ball-3-8 -000-q or whatever the hell crazy option it was to cancel my payment. Then I hung up and called straight back into the IVR system and navigated my way through the deep and dark forest jungle of options and stalked my way to a live person in the billing department because if I am going to pay an extra $3.50 then someone is damn well going to process that payment for me and chat with me a little bit about whatever the hell I can trick them into talking about so that I feel like I at least got something for my money, even if it was overpriced, unsatisfying, and not something that I would recommend for a leisure activity.
(Afterthoughts)
Granted that my company charges $5 for making a payment over the phone with a live person but that is because it is to encourage people to process it themselves which avoids that fee. Getting charged for using a self-service option defeats the entire purpose of self-service and I am seeing more and more companies that seem to be forgetting that valuable bit of procedure.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Screw the cells
For those of you who follow the cell phone feature trends, AT&T is releasing 2 brand new options this week. Oh, btw, when I say "brand new" I really mean they are finally getting around to offering services that other wireless carriers have already been offering for a long enough time period for a guy to grow an ankle length beard.
Slated for release on 09/20/2009 (or today for those who overlooked this postings date stamp) is something called the "A-list" which is nothing more than a long requested and long denied service of the now "old shoe" favorite list. Innovation knows no bounds for such an original idea. Color me less than impressed that they will now allow their customers to setup a list of a handful of phone numbers that they can call for free even if it is during their 15 hours of daily standard weektime daytime hours (at least they were smart enough to realize that weekends should be free).
Next, on 09/25/2009, is something that those who made the mistake of buying an iphone have most likely been painfully aware of the past few years: picture messages. Send a picture message to an iphone and what they actually receive is a text message with a link to a website where they can sometimes view that picture, and if they cannot get the picture to load (even odds) then you have managed to just waste 15 minutes of their life which they will never be able to get back. The fact that I am missing out on causing that annoyance to people does make me a bit sad because if I knew someone who had an iphone that mistakenly trusted me enough to give me their number, I would picture message the hell out of them simply for that reason alone. But alas, the self indulged zombies at Apple are finally releasing a software update for "the world's most advanced phone" which after several years of hard R&D and testing will allow iphones to send and receive picture messages just like the most basic $20 prepaid Go-Phone is capable of doing. All you will have to do is hook your iphone up to your icomputer via an icable and use your imouse to open itunes and install the isoftware iupdate (which was apparently created through some type of iritual which may or may not have involved iknives, premature dying ianimals, frightening and hastily drawn chalky isymbols, and oodles of iblood). After that has been completed then all you will have to do is call AT&T to talk to a frustrated and flusted customer service rep and scream at them for still not being able to properly send your friend (who lives next door and could more easily walk over and see the picture on your phone) the picture of your cat doing something which you think is award winning cute but everyone else finds lame and tiring enough to consider leaving a tasty bowl of antifreeze on their back porch as a "gift" for the overlooked talent master of looking at a camera with common animal stupidity.
(Afterthoughts)
Yes, I said your baby is stupid but when you start equating animals with humans then you are one step away from being willing to have sex with an animal. Hey, if it can be a human's babay then it had to come from somewhere, I can do the math bitches.
Slated for release on 09/20/2009 (or today for those who overlooked this postings date stamp) is something called the "A-list" which is nothing more than a long requested and long denied service of the now "old shoe" favorite list. Innovation knows no bounds for such an original idea. Color me less than impressed that they will now allow their customers to setup a list of a handful of phone numbers that they can call for free even if it is during their 15 hours of daily standard weektime daytime hours (at least they were smart enough to realize that weekends should be free).
Next, on 09/25/2009, is something that those who made the mistake of buying an iphone have most likely been painfully aware of the past few years: picture messages. Send a picture message to an iphone and what they actually receive is a text message with a link to a website where they can sometimes view that picture, and if they cannot get the picture to load (even odds) then you have managed to just waste 15 minutes of their life which they will never be able to get back. The fact that I am missing out on causing that annoyance to people does make me a bit sad because if I knew someone who had an iphone that mistakenly trusted me enough to give me their number, I would picture message the hell out of them simply for that reason alone. But alas, the self indulged zombies at Apple are finally releasing a software update for "the world's most advanced phone" which after several years of hard R&D and testing will allow iphones to send and receive picture messages just like the most basic $20 prepaid Go-Phone is capable of doing. All you will have to do is hook your iphone up to your icomputer via an icable and use your imouse to open itunes and install the isoftware iupdate (which was apparently created through some type of iritual which may or may not have involved iknives, premature dying ianimals, frightening and hastily drawn chalky isymbols, and oodles of iblood). After that has been completed then all you will have to do is call AT&T to talk to a frustrated and flusted customer service rep and scream at them for still not being able to properly send your friend (who lives next door and could more easily walk over and see the picture on your phone) the picture of your cat doing something which you think is award winning cute but everyone else finds lame and tiring enough to consider leaving a tasty bowl of antifreeze on their back porch as a "gift" for the overlooked talent master of looking at a camera with common animal stupidity.
(Afterthoughts)
Yes, I said your baby is stupid but when you start equating animals with humans then you are one step away from being willing to have sex with an animal. Hey, if it can be a human's babay then it had to come from somewhere, I can do the math bitches.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Back in the saddle again
After a long deserved break, mainly due to moving from a tiny apartment into a two story house mostly full of people (cause we all know that I am nothing if not anti-social) and my bloody annoying internet service not being able to be transferred for an entire two week period, I am once again back in the online world realm once again. Actually, I have been back for about half a week but since the Hello Kitty mmorpg closed beta I was invited to test was activated right after I moved, I spent the past couple of days trying to catch up on it (read the profile people, still thinks of herself as a hard-core gamer girl, anyone remember that???).
The news you can use and the blathering that you could probably do without but keep reading anyways will be returning soon to a computer near you (sorry but it takes time to slip into you house while you are asleep and type this stuff on your computers).
(Afterthoughts)
Y'all knew that I would slink back out of the shadows to poke everyone with a stick again at some point, and that time is nigh, um, or something.
The news you can use and the blathering that you could probably do without but keep reading anyways will be returning soon to a computer near you (sorry but it takes time to slip into you house while you are asleep and type this stuff on your computers).
(Afterthoughts)
Y'all knew that I would slink back out of the shadows to poke everyone with a stick again at some point, and that time is nigh, um, or something.
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