Behold The Stupid!

As a special treat and personal favor to me, Pandora has written a guest rant. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the rant-a-licious vibes from one of my favorite meddling kids from across the sea in Grand ole England.

I'm on the front-line at work. Often the first person a visitor sees or speaks to is me. As such I see a lot of the stupid. And so many times its the same brand of stupid.

Some days it's all I can do not to scream a stream of sarcastic British invective back at them.

Case in point - The No Clue Brigade

Customer - Hi. I'm here for a meeting.
Me - Hello. Who are you here to see?
Customer - Dunno
Me - OK. What is the interview about?
Customer - Dunno. Some course
(Dream me - Oh that's good. We only run THIRTEEN DIFFERENT FUCKING COURSES HERE! Shall I presume you're here for the Basic Skills for Fuckwits course?)
Real me - Do you have the letter we sent you?
Customer - Didn't get a letter
(Dream me - Yes you fucking did! I wrote it, signed it and posted it you lying fuck!)
Me - Right... Can I take your name then?
Customer - mumble mumble
Me - *phones around all the department heads until someone has heard of him*
Me - Miss X will see you shortly. Please take a seat
Customer - That's the name! Miss X!
(Dream me - SHO-RYU-KEN! Pandora Wins! Fatality!)

And that's when they are even in the right place

Customer - Hi. I'm here to see Mr Z
Me - I'm sorry, we don't have a Mr Z. Are you sure that was the right name?
Customer - I think so. Mr Z at Made-up College.
(Dream me - Does the sign on the door say Made-up College? Does it? No! It says *Company Name* you fuckwit!)
Real me - I think you are at the wrong place. We are *Company Name*
Customer - Oh! Where is Made-up college then?
(Dream me - Tell you what, I'll just stop the incredibly important job I'm doing to run a Googlemaps search for you yeah?)
Me - *Gives directions. Which isn't easy, as we are nowhere near it*
Customer - Oh. Thanks.

Timesheets are another personal favourite of mine. Or rather, the angry parent of a student about timesheets. It usually goes like this.

Angry Parent - My daughter hasn't been paid for 5 weeks!
(Dream me - Boo-hoo)
Real me - Ok. What is her n....
Angry Parent - What are you going to do about it?
Real me - *deep breath* What is her name?
Angry Parent - Ann Nonymous
Me - Lets check the computer system
*looks at the database*
Me - Hmmm. yes you're right. Has Ann handed in her timesheets?
Angry Parent - Yes!
Me - OK. Let me look in the pending tray
*Finds five weeks of timesheets with a received date stamp of yesterday*
Me - Your daughter only handed in the last five weeks timesheets on Thursday. Yesterday.
Angry Parent - So. Why weren't they paid?
Me - Payroll is run on Wednesdays.
Angry Parent - *silence as the gears click into place*
Me - *waits pateintly*
Embarrassed Parent - She didn't tell me that part... sorry...
(Dream me - And so you fucking should be you obnoxious arse!)
Real me - That's OK. Thanks for your call.

This is closely related to:

Customer - Why haven't I been paid?
Me - Lets check *spends ten minutes consulting both payroll computer systems* This says we authorised your payment on Monday this week.
Customer - So why haven't I been paid?
Me - Your money should arrive on a Thursday. That's today.
Customer - But it wasn't in my bank when I checked at 8:30am
(Dream me - Because the bank wasn't open then. You get paid ON Thursday. IT IS STILL THURSDAY YOU FUCKING MORON!)
Real me - It's still Thursday
Customer - Huh?
Me - You get paid some time on Thursday. Today is still Thursday. It isn't over yet. You will get paid when the bank processes it later today.
Customer - Oh!

... and relax.

You know, having a rant *is* very theraputic. Love and Peace people :)