Ahhh, death in even it's tiniest form can be misconstrued into something full of grandeur and megalomania.
Today's adventure consisted of me returning sleepy-eyed to my apartment door after stumbling out to the mailbox to collect nothing less than my very own single piece of mail (surprise surprise). As I stood in the glaring sunlight finishing a cigarette, I noticed a little wasp nest in the corner of my doorway, with a yellow striped flying and poison coated sword it wielded with it's ass. Damn! I'm not sure if such a skill is more creepy, disturbing, impressive, or just disgusting!?! I battled it with my own sword (er, flyswatter) but ended in a mere draw (er, me running and screaming like a little girl back into my apartment where I locked the door as if that would help).
Hand to hand combat would not work against this devious creature so what options did I have left (my damn neighbor is gone for a few days and could not champion this poor damsel). So falling back on my half-demoness nature I thought perhaps I could nag it to death (or at least leaving my cave entrance). Again no luck other than the general agitation I usually cause. So back into my lair to lurk whist pondering my next option.
Hi Ho! I live in America and therefore should utilize our rich and overkill combative culture. CHEMICAL WARFARE!!! First attack to soften 'em up, 409 (which kills ants almost instantly for those who did not know that little fact since I'm all about education or something???). I think it freaked the enemy out a bit and cause the vile creature to become dangerously erratic. Perhaps not my best choice since it showed such enduring armor. Trial 2 I had more hope for, Scrubbing Bubbles! I calculated that if I could encase it in toxic foam it would surely struggle for a while until it worked itself into exhaustion and succumbed to death.
First blast produced a ball of foam totally encasing it giving me a brief flash of arrogant satisfaction, right up to the point that the little ball of buzzing fury started to shake its way out of the toxin. Another blast, then another, then another, then yet another, and still it kept coming and breaking free. Then finally silence. Was it preparing for a final all out counterattack? As I stood on guard, watching ... waiting ... scanning the blob of foam sliding down my doorway it finally appeared out of the gloom. I silently observed it's cold and lifeless body drift down to the ground in a pool of lemon scented foam, never to move another jagged limb again.
Victory is mine!!!!!
(Afterthoughts)
It was a somber victory at best since such a difficult and well executed battle with thine enemy deserves a show of respect for it's worthy and honorable death.
4 comments:
Well, fire was not much of an option considering the difficulty of utilizing such a weapon on a flying creature. Had I been able to stun it and knock it to the ground then I could have burned it. However, the clever bastard lurked in thee corner of my doorway in the recession from the outside wall where I was unable to get a clean slice with my sword (flyswatter) and knock it to the ground.
I've been in the garage more than once without a can of spray at hand and found that carb cleaner and "ether" (starter fluid) both work well in a pinch...
alan
Lizzy! Now how did I miss this one?
I would say, with some authority, that this post is definitely one of your better postings and probably in the top 3 all time greatest you have ever written!
Now, with that said, a real man would have attacked the enemy with his bare hands, but....you are such a girl! Are you sure that wasn't hairspray you used? It can be pretty effective, too, especially when you douse the nest in hairspray and then throw a match on it.
Hey! I could have fought it bare handed too, I am a real, um, damn it ... never mind. But I could have :(
I didn't think about hairspray, I have a bottle of it below my bathroom sink but rarely use it and forgot I even had some. But even so, it was hovering around the nest and I would have been unable to set it on fire after I soaked it. The Scrubbing Bubbles worked extremely well and also kept it in place and unable to break free to counterattack me.
This definitely was a great posting and I had no idea it was going to turn out the way it did. I was racking my brain trying to come up with something to write that day when I ran across that wasp nest. After the long battle to kill it, half of which involved me hiding in my apartment behind a locked door (as if the lock helped any???) I thought it would be funny to title it as though I had fought a dragon just to underwhelm everyone with a simple wasp. Then I just ran with the gag and it just kept going and going with using simple elegant speech to describe what happened (strangely enough it was exactly how things played out in our little battle). I wrote it all off the top of my head with no planning of what the next sentence would even say. Maybe it was a side effect from the 409 and Scrubbing Bubbles fumes, or could have just been my schizophrenic nature that I keep locked away deep inside me fizzing to the surface from the stress of facing something that actually does scare me.
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